The guilt of saying no; why setting boundaries can feel so difficult.

Feeling guilty when saying no is really common, especially when you care for someone deeply and don’t want to hurt or disappoint them. Maybe you don't want to give them an opportunity to think of you as being difficult or disappointing. Or perhaps you worry about giving them thinking, ‘I didn’t expect that from you,’ or about standing out from the crowd by having an opinion or an opposite feeling to theirs. Maybe you just want to fit in with the norm of the so-called conversation and not ‘rock the boat’ for fear of the consequences to the comfort or arrangement you find yourself in.

Does it feel easier just to go with what’s on offer when every part of your body is asking for a no, and a yes comes out of your mouth instead? And then, dare you retract it for fear of repercussions?

In that moment, are you potentially dropping your standards?

It’s a vicious circle that plays in your head - but why? Why so hard?

It can seem a small enough thing in the moment, but then it can gather the momentum of a lie, spilling tier-upon-tier until there is no more room to move and it can feel like you are pretzeled into something you are not, changing the shape of you literally and all because of not wanting to expose the truth and power of you.

Growing up as a teenager, when discussions would come up about the answer being no, I remember the irritation and fight back of it- and it being said by the then parent, "We don’t follow the sheep, we lead the sheep. It’s a no".

I didn’t appreciate this until later in life, when I got to feel what it really meant to be the leader of your life. From that single absoluteness from a parent, my life decisions were more honest, although it definitely took years of peaks and troughs to realise it in full. 

Why is it that saying no can sometimes feel harder than saying yes? We can know deep down that we don’t have the time, energy or desire to do something, yet the moment we say no, guilt can creep in and emotions can end up making you feel like you are in a washing machine ruining your day or days.

There is a responsibility when communicating because the answer no can be seen as rude, uncooperative, unhelpful or complicating. Comments like, "she’s difficult to understand", "he talks negatively" or "they always have to have the last say which is generally a no". Then there is people-pleasing and the need to be liked at all costs. Another is when saying yes affects our wellbeing, and before you know it, there’s a pretzelling of the body, withdrawal, discomfort and distortion of the original you all because we reject the amazingness on offer, especially in the authentic answer from you, being free of the lie. It is evolutionary to just be you in your honesty. 

This leads me to the accountability of your "no" delivery that isn’t the answer that the other person desires, and the consideration that the delivery is in a respectful and powerful way that is caring and loving. Then it’s up to the other person or persons to accept the final answer and have a real relationship around the answer. However all too often, it becomes a defensible and conflicting debate, or you can be cut off, ignored or enter an emotional blood bath of words and reactions. 

This is a learning. You cannot control another person’s decision about how they will react. This is free will, and it is important to allow it to play out without you having to over-explain.

Building confidence around boundaries can be a big life lesson. Giving yourself permission to put your own needs first supports others who at the time may not appreciate. Learning that this doesn’t make you selfish, even though that word can potentially be the ammunition of choice by the person or persons the "no" is delivered to.

A "no" does not need to be harsh, defensive or wrapped in a long explanation. It can be clear, respectful and honest. It can protect your joy, your values and your wellbeing while still leaving room for care and connection. The more you practise saying "no", the more you may begin to recognise that guilt is not always a sign that you have done something wrong. Sometimes, it is simply the feeling of choosing yourself after years of choosing everyone else.

Saying no is not a rejection of another person. It is an acceptance of yourself.